Sunday, April 6, 2008
07 de Abreel, Domingo
0430 hrs, Cemetery-- Choa Chu Kang
6:39 am
6:40 am
6:40 am
6:46 amThe air so cool and fresh,
The stars shimmering in the sky...
The calls of the crickets, worms,
the teeny weenies, itsy bitsies,
creepy crawlies....
(& you know what lies beneath)
It is the annual family gathering, besides Chinese new year, where we meet up around this time of the year annually to commemorate the departure of our loved ones, from Earth, around the tombstones. The Qing Ming Festival is here again.
I detest and love this festival to the extremes. Detest because I didn't like to see the living ones, well it's not so much of their problem but mainly due to my coldness--- I just dont like to mingle and simply cannot find a topic with them. (always on the topic of school, career. DUH.); Love because I love being awake at that hour, and in a place so close to nature! and Of course, I do respect the dead and I want to relive those memories around them once again. This time, my paternal grandmother.
Not gonna talk about my gran... I dont know how to talk about it.
But I got something today----- I spoke!
Grudges I have built over the years, the death sentence I have inflicted on those people, I feel for now, I am ready to let go. It was partly thanks to my little cousin, Kenneth (who proudly proclaims he is in Pri 4 this year), that I realised how relaxed I feel after letting go.
I used to ignore his 'hellos' all the years, his never-ending questions and his existence, just like how I treated the rest. I couldn't understand his friendliness, that inquisitive mind and that hyperactive him. I don't remember being so irritatingly friendly, curious or hyperactve in my childhood years. No.. no right? yeah, whatever.
So skip the "realisation to letting go" part too, as I dont know if I am able to commit to that, I am just going to report how I made a new friend today.
Kenneth is a gift to me. I hope. He is a conversation opener... and an important foundation to me coming back to the family where I used to be. I don't remember since when did I start to drift away, but I do remember how they used to dote on my when I was young. So back to realisation, I was the one with the bad attitude. Putting aside the grudges and their "crimes", I decided to move on in life... freely and happily. I do not want to carry them with me, it's just not worth the weight.
Okay back to the little guy. He was shining torches into my face (and I couldnt smack him), calling me Big head ('cos I called him Big Red Butt), so eagerly pestering me to listen to his mom's snores recorded on his phone (how lucky at this age!), and wanting me to send him stuffs (he wanted to exchange with his mom's snores.) Then after the whole thing, he still called me on the phone to send him themes... again. haa. persistent! I would have seen this as intolerable and childish and irritating to extreme; but today I was injected with triple dosage of patience and forgiving fluid, so till now I still feel he is a gift and loads of fun.
Well, I definitely hope this continues, that I can spread out more love & appreciation, so there will be a next episode of my family drama.
"Happy people are grateful. Ungrateful people cannot be happy. We tend to think that unhappy leads to complain, it's complaining that leads to unhappy people."
-- Prag