cinderella story (?). My story. My tales.

Monday, March 24, 2008

23 de Marzo, domingo

Full mOon yesterday wasn't it? yea it was... nobody could have doubts about a werewolf (it was ah ma who told me, she is one). ugh! BEWARE.

Cuckoo! It was 12. The best time has arrived for absorbing the essence from the moon, that delicious yellow creamy gigantic pie. (oww. My gums hurt.)

Multi tasking is my forte; only on the com. So as usual, was chatting on MSN with buddy, until around 3 plus am, Meimei came online and we chatted till the wee hours of the morning, 5:15am. It has been a long time we seen each other.. ever since sch closed, so we were catching up on her work n stuffs. She sounded really exhausted, I knew she would. She is a really intelligent girl, who leads a stressful life. To intelligent people, I can only listen to them, but I cannot give them advices. I am utterly helpless. Yes, and they do really make me feel inferior and frustrated. So now that my mood is so messed up, shall just resign to my pathetic self and be all ears for meimei. Hopefully it did help. But I knew it wouldnt. For god's sake! there surely is a reason she's talking to me, she was waiting for my response, she needs a response! What to do? I could only give her all the lame crap. As expected, we'd reached the topic on class chalet, class bonding thingy. SPARE ME. I really dont want to go, I seriously dont give a damn bout our class. who cares about building a platform for future collaborations? who cares about being outcasted? who cares about the strategising part? hell No.

I don't mind tolerating for one more year to put on a facade in school. I've been doing that for the past 2 years anyway. But I am afraid of forgetting my true self, my principles, my dreams.. me. Sometimes I dont even recognise me. I hate looking into the mirror, I hate this torment I put myself through.

I told myself nobody is going to put me through this again in this vacation. I've been working hard, to act it out on that stage I dont belong, for an agonising few months. It's my well deserved break, I don't want to see the ugly side of life, not in this 1 and a half month.

I still cannot come to terms with how people claim they want to have fun and bonding, yet beneath it all, it's all the ugly strategies. To me, I will want to cherish seeing every single day. I cherish the bonds human share, the interactions, the sincerity we have towards one another. Right now, I have no right to say I am living to cherish all these, because I am a part time actor putting on a facade in life.

The definition of having fun to me and bonding does not apply in such cases where the motive beneath it is for the benefit of the statistic results. Yes, childish or immatured, people may label me. I just feel that this is like becoming portfolio management. A person becomes a commodity. Amusingly, there is even a market for these 'commodities' like in real life. Their prices fluctuate to their demand n supply, or any outbreak of news. Manage your portfolio well, strategise and be a risk taker. (Gold seems to be very hot now and base metals seem like falling by the way.)

Yes I am childish and naive. This is how the world works out to be.
To have a business mind is not violating human nature, neither is strategising or playing life like a game of chess. But at least I feel, towards friends and my loved ones, sincerity is the word. If that element is missing, there's no way to be friends. I categorise those my business partners or competitors instead; worse my business clients whom I have to entertain to get the deal.

"He who chooses the beginning of a road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determine the end." - Fosdick

I promise to end this road and nevr to take up a path where I have to disguise myself to walk on.

It is just exhausting. Too exhausting.

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